I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight off the fucking map.
And sometimes everything seems so dark that you are unable to see the hand coming to hold you and raise you up.
you need not to be truthful to love someone ....sometimes just small lies can be the best while at other times these small lies can be as deadly as poison.The point is that these are our attempts to save the person we love from the arsenic our truths hold.....but dont you think sometimes its difficult to understand either lies are more dangerous or the truth will break someone into million little pieces...
reh gaya hai haath mein kia kuch toote hue khawab aik bujhi si arzoo chand bemaiyni sochein unginaat sawal aur bus meri udaasi....
Its hard to take it! I know I cant change the present I cant change my past I am losing my future and here I stand staring in the emptiness I know I cant be normal and I have stopped trying for it You never stop hurting me and I never stop expecting something good from this life which definitely never comes..... I am down to the bottom and I am not going to get up anymore Fuck this life fuck the words you say to make my world crumble to pieces Now you hav also said that you will soon leave fine go! who else has stayed with me that I should expect you to stay? If I am alone I am fine with it I love you and you also love me and it isnt your fault too....its hard for you to take it I just wish someday someone just thinks about me what I want .....wishes dont cum true!!!!!!! just too angry and too hurt to say anything *leaves*
I'm not stuck anymore.. I'm just falling. I'm not falling forward, I'm falling backwards to nothing; back to how everything used to be, back to everything I've been afraid of. I just hope I stop falling from a branch hanging out on the edge rather than hitting solid bottom.
This is what I read and its funny yet sad how I can relate to it. I just feel plain jealous of people who know what's happening to them and who know how to put it into words. I am just sturggling.... I am a liar sometimes its just too difficult to face your own reality and I have these "sometimes" all the times, running from my fears, my insecurities ,my brutual realities .....I am lost in no where I have lost my track and I am afraid to say there is no way leading back to me see here again I am afraid to accept the realities, the truths of my life which are quite painful to acknowledge.... The things I feel might be very trivial to you and I myself consider them not big enough but small things hurt too don't they? or maybe I am again overreacting .... ugh see how unsure I am this is not xactly unsurity its my habbit to lie about what I feel. You know what I am sick of these lies but I cant stop it now. I will die if I stopped lying feeling safe secure about my relations are the feelings I have not felt ever in my life and well some people do spend their lives without gaining anything..... rite? khasara hi khasara hota hai and I can see from here what I had and what I am soon going to lose.....
Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow Heal me from all this sorrow As I let you go I will find my way I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes Now I'm living in your afterglow When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go
I know I know YOU hate my silence and you always expect a response from me....but what you are asking me to do I wont do it in my whole life.....to see you getting irritated gives a satisfaction yet a pinch of guilt too....but still I secretly have an evil smile on my face...I wonder if you noticed it.
We spent most of our life thinking how things cud have been How things shud be.....but nothing works our way haina?
but why stop dreaming at least you feel alive thinking hoping waiting
When everything gets too miserable for us we start waiting for miracles and may be miracles do happen but dont you think this wait thing gets tooo long?
Well I am here making a quite pointless post its nothing related to my present state of my mind
right now my head aches like anything because of well you know what happened today
Sometimes I do think I dont deserve it.
I know I am not the perfect person I have done a lot of crap to people in my life
but still sometimes its just too much to take it
but then everyone says I am strong I can come out of it and all this kind of stuff
this makes me think ke han shayad I am just overreacting but still I need a break really I do need it I need some peace of mind so that I can study
the name of stupid enzymes the laws of physics the reactions of chemistry dont make sense I just skim through pages and at the end I am left with nothing else just the noise and headaches
I really need a break!
time has been so brutual to me I need just some time to heal but NO i m forced to do all the energy and concentration requiring stuff......
I need something more than myself this time...... I really do
today I felt so much hatred towards myself I cant even xplain in words how it feels!
a part of you is feeling so much satisfied and the other part is being cut into slices!
I am sick of being strong and pretending so much
all those fake laughters and giggles burn me
I am afraid of myself.
I really want to change but I know I wont be able to do it I am not determined and to tell you the truth is I am not strong If i wud have been strong I wud have changed myself I wud have overcomed my weaknesses but I dint.
"abhi tou yeh sari baatein buri lag rahi hai but baad mein realise hota hai kaash kar leya hota and then to see everyone else in a much better condition than yourself,cuts like a knife" this is what my best friend timsal said to me few days back I was mad at him that time so I dint get his lecture but now I do realise how true it is.
seriously saying there are few things in life more bad than regret When you waste time it then wastes you Avail your time because when it passes away leaving so much undone,you are left with this feeling of regret and yes it does cuts like a knife.
All these fights you do make me feel my eyes getting wet pain rising in my head my limbs getting weak I am falling into the pit, you have created for me You know I am aclimitized to this darkness still I drag myself out everytime I fall but one day I wont come out and I know you wont even notice where I faded away.....
We all live in a denial regarding our emotions.Deep down inside we all know what we are feeling but the chains of our society are so tight that we deny eveything we feel.We are not supposed to feel jealousy,we are not supposed to feel anger,we are not supposed to feel love and all such kind of feelings are bound of approval from our court of conscience.The court which is kind to everyone else but ourselves.Most of the personality crisis we come across are just because of this denial we live in.....I know most of you wont agree with me and there are many such theories in my mind but no one will agree with me so I just keep them inside my head. And for you aina, take your time emotions are definitely hard to handle and it takes time.I am also going through some mess in my mind and I know with time its gona be ok. with time things change,people change so does the voices in the head.
and timsal you were looking really cute today...hehehe I wish I had your pic right now and I could post it here with all those blue yellow red colours making you a cute cartoon.Hehehe
There is no light at the end of this tunnel. I am heading for a failure I wish I could make you read all this I am sorry for not being a perfect daughter as you wanted me to be I am sorry for everytime I shouted at you I am sorry for everytime I pushed you away I am sorry for everytime I made fun of you
Snow patrol-its beginning to get to me: Don’t have to prove that you are so strong Cause I can carry you on my back After our enemies attack I tried to tell you before I left But I was screaming under my breath You are the only thing that makes sense Just ignore all this present tense
and yes I am sorry to you too...cuz no matter what you did to me and still do I love you and I am no one to judge you...we had never been close enough to talk out things and maybe somewhere it wasnt your mistake as well,it was just the time and circumstances....somewhere we lost it and now nothing can be done about it.You live your life and I breathe away mine....
By Aina: I love the way you talk and I love the way you walk and the way you make sense all the time and the way you make me smile I love you and every little thing you do you make my life worthwhile :)
By timsal: with you I can go for miles whatever you say it all makes sense you always make me rite when I am down,baffled or just plain tensed your wisdom makes me wonder your words are just so tender be it nethng you are my life's mender :)
i must have done smthng awfully gud to please the higher AUTHORITEs...ur being here makes me complete....i love getting ur msgs as bonagy as they mite be...ill miss the most ur comforting word..and unflinching care u seem to provide...all teh time...i sometimes think ur an angel...and not human...jhoot nahi...as if ur here to guide us...me especially